Stewed Tomatoes


A guy is
going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he's worry about getting
seasick.

The doctor suggests, ''Eat two pounds of stewed
tomatoes before you leave the dock.''

The guy replies, ''Would that keep me from
getting sick, Doc?''

The doctor says, ''No, but it'll look real
pretty in the water.''

Respectfully Cheating



Jack and
Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever
cheated on me?"

"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question
now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Betty, I really want to know.
Please."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."

"Three? When were they?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35
years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank
would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came
over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect
you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was
number 2?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you had that
last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no
surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to
do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you
should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more
wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't
be more moved. When was number 3?"

"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when
you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes
short?"

The Devoted Wife



A devoted
wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been
slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside
every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near
him.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were
there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot,
you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my
health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What, my dear?" she asked gently.

"You're a goddamn jinx!"

Chastity Belt



A man
decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding that his wife should wear a
chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the
key to his best friend. He tells him, "If I do not return within four
years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life."

So, the husband leaves on horseback and about a
half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come
closer and sees his best friend. "What's wrong?' " he asks.

"You gave me the wrong key!"

Tough Love



A dying man
smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs. It takes all the
strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs. He
sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them. As he
reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she
yells:

"No, you can't have those! They're for the
funeral!"

Rabbi and Priest



A Rabbi and
a Priest buy a car together and it's being stored at the Priest's house. One
day the Rabbi goes over to use the car and he sees him sprinkling water on it.
The Rabbi asked, ''What are you doing?'' The Priest responded, ''I'm blessing
the car.'' So the Rabbi said ''Okay, since we're doing that....'' and takes out
a hacksaw and cuts two inches off the tail pipe.

Name That Animal, Kids



Eddie's
first-grade class was having a game of Name That Animal. The teacher held up a
picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"

"A cat!" said Suzy.

"Good job! Now, what's this animal?"

"A dog!" said Ricky.

"Good! Now what animal is this?" she
asked, holding up a picture of a deer.

The class fell silent. After a couple of
minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."

"A horny bastard!" called out Eddie.

Three Nuns



Three nuns
decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, "We don't
want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?" The mother told them, "Do
something unholy and come back here in 24 hours." So the nuns left
thinking, "What can I do that's unholy?"

The next day they went to the mother one at a
time. The mother said tot he first nun, "What unholy thing did you
do?" and the nun said "I stole a kid's bike." The mother said,
"I guess that will do, go drink some holy water. When the nun did she
wasn't a nun anymore and she left the convent.

The second nun walked in and the mother said,
"What unholy thing did you do?" The nun replied, "I slept with a
married man!" The mother said, "Well, that's sinning. Go drink holy
water."

The third nun walked in and the mother said,
"What unholy thing did you do?" The third nun said proudly, "I
pissed in the holy water!"

Farmer and the Cow



A farmer
was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.

His friend asked him why he was looking depressed
and he replied, "Some things you just can't explain. This morning I was
outside milking. As soon as the bucket was fill the cow kicked it down with his
left foot so I tied up his left to a pole.

I began to fill up the bucket again and he
kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right to a pole too.

As soon as I finished milkin'' him again he
knocked down the bucket with his with his tail and I took off my belt and tied
up his tail with my belt.

As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped
down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can't
explain!

Mexican Smuggler



Juan comes
up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his
shoulders.



The guard stops him and says, "What''s in the bags?""Sand,"
answered Juan.The guard says, "We'll just see about that get off the
bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out
and finds nothing in them but sand.



He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there
is nothing but pure sand in the bags.The guard releases Juan, puts the sand
into new bags, hefts them onto the man''s shoulders, and lets him cross the
border.A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have
you got?""Sand," says Juan.The guard does his thorough
examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.He gives the
sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.This sequence of
events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one
day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico."Hey, Buddy," says
the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy.
It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are
you smuggling?" Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles.

Phone Line



A young
businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful
office and had it furnished with antiques.

He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing
to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to
pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant
commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor,
"Can I help you?"

"Yeah, I''ve come to activate your phone
lines."

Dear Monisha,

Thanks for being my love for one and half years, when you receive this letter I believe you might have selected a new boy friend and started enjoying your dating. Every lovers needs to struggle a bit to get a boy friend or girl friend.

Monisha . In order to recover your missing, I got another girl from next street & as you know this is my forth love, from all my past experiences I have learned a lot. When the love blossoms everyone starts writing love letters, you know very well. I have written many love letter to you , and writing a love letter in poetic way is not so easy nowadays MONISHA , and it's a time consuming work, In order to avoid all this I need all my lover letters back so that I can put corrector and send to my new girl friend , please send it back to me , I don't have poetic references or any photocopy of these letters.

Another thing MONISHA, I have given you one cute photo of mine , can you send it to me please , you know better that this is the only photo I look very cute & handsome and this photo I have taken when I was in my very first love.

And also, during my 1 ½ years of love days I have spend lot of monies for impressing you , I am attaching a list of expenses which I request you to clear it at the earliest.

The expenses are as follows: Lunch / Dinner ; 895, Cool Drinks 2938 Rs, Snacks 5645 Rs. , Juice 3845 Rs. Cinema 1235Rs. Internet Chatting 1499 Rs. , Mobile 2546 Rs. Petrol 4255 Rs. Gift Items 7850 Rs, - Grand Total : 30,708 rs (in Words : Thrity Thousand Seven Hundred and Eight Rupees).

Please try to clear the above amount so that I can spend these monies on my new girl friend, and more over if you have any of my gift lying with you, am ready to take these packs in half prices. Please calculate the value of packs left over and deduct it from the above statement of account.

I am enclosing herewith your love letters (Weigh around 4 Kg) so that you no need to write again to your boy friend and your photo so that you can give to your new BF.

Quotable Quotes- Politics

GREAT & AWESOME THOUGHT'S

In a Day. When you don't come across any Problems- you can be sure that you are travelling in a Wrong Path.

è SWAMY VIVEKANANDA.
Three Sentences for Getting SUCCESS:

a) Know more than other.

b) Work more than other.

c) Expect less than other.

è WILLIAM SHAKESPHERE

If You WIN you need not Explain..But if you LOSS you should not be there to Explain.

èADOLPH HITLER.


If we cannot LOVE the Person Whom We see.How Can We Love God Whom We Cannot See?

èMOTHER TERESA

If you start judging people you will be having no time to Love them.

èMOTHER TERESA

Winning doesn't always mean being first, Winning means you're doing better than you've done before.

è BONNIE BLAIR

I will not say I failed 1000 times, I Will say that I Discovered there are 1000 Ways that can cause failure.

è THOMAS EDISON

Everyone thinks of changing the World..But no one thinks of changing Himself..

è LEO TOLSTOY

Believing everybody is Dangerous, believing no body is Dangerous.

è ABRAHAM LINCOLN

If some one feels that they had never made a mistake in their life. Then it means they had never tried a new thing in their LIFE.

èEINSTEIN

Never break four things in your LIFE-Trust, Promise, and Relation & Heart. Because when they break they don't make noise but Pains a lot....

èCHARLES

Don't compare yourself with anyone in this world. If you do so, you are insulting yourself.

è ALEN STRIKE.

You are not responsible for what people think about you.
But you are responsible for what you give them to think about you.
è STANLEY FERRARD.


A man is lucky if he is the first love of a Woman.
A woman is lucky if she is the last love of a man.
è CHARLES DICKENS.


Write your sad times in Sand; Write your Good times in Stone.
è GEORGE BERNARD SHAW.


Behind every successful man, there is an untold pain in his heart.
è BILL JACOBS.


Without your involvement you can't succeed. With your involvement you can't fail.
è Dr. ABDUL KALAM.

Love your job but don't love your Company because you may not know
when your company stops loving you.
è NARAYANA MURTHY.

You may get DELAYED to reach your Targets.
But every step you take towards your target is EQUAL to Victory.
è KARL MARX.

It's better to loose your Ego to the one you Love,
than to loose the one you LOVE because of EGO.
è JOHN KEATS.

Don't make promise when you are in JOY .Don't reply when you are SAD.
Don't take decisions when you are ANGRY. Think twice, Act wise. BE happy.

When you start caring about yourself, you start loving somebody.
But when start caring about others somebody will start loving you.

Last one is awesome!!!

What is the Secret of SUCCESS... ? "RIGHT DECISIONS"
How do you make Right Decisions...? "EXPERIENCE"
How do you get Experience... ? "WRONG DECISIONS"

"Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

This is a story about a famous research scientist who had made several very important medical breakthroughs. He was being interviewed by a newspaper reporter who asked him why he thought he was able to be so much more creative than the average person. What set him so far apart from others ?

He responded that, in his opinion, it all came from an experience with his mother that occurred when he was about two years old. He had been trying to remove a bottle of milk from the refrigerator when he lost his grip on the slippery bottle and it fell, spilling its contents all over the kitchen floor — a veritable sea of milk !

When his mother came into the kitchen, instead of yelling at him, giving him a lecture, or punishing him, she said, "Robert, I have rarely seen such a huge puddle of milk. Well, the damage has already been done. Would you like to get down and play in the milk for a few minutes before we clean it up ?" Indeed, he did. After a few minutes, his mother said, "You know, Robert, whenever you make a mess like this, eventually you have to clean it up and restore everything to its proper order. So, how would you like to do that ? We could use a sponge, a towel, or a mop. Which do you prefer ?" He chose the sponge and together they cleaned up the spilled milk.

His mother then said, "You know, what we have here is a failed experiment in how to effectively carry a big milk bottle with two tiny hands. Let's go out in the back yard and fill the bottle with water and see if you can discover a way to carry it without dropping it." The little boy learned that if he grasped the bottle at the top near the lip with both hands, he could carry it without dropping it.

What a wonderful lesson ! This renowned scientist then remarked that it was at that moment that he knew he didn't need to be afraid to make mistakes. Instead, he learned that mistakes were just opportunities for learning something new, which is, after all, what scientific experiments are all about.

Even if the experiment "doesn't work," we usually learn something valuable from it. Make mistakes, you learn from them . . . . but never repeat mistakes . . . . make it a great week ahead ! ! !

"Under the wagon."

So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with four feet, jumps four feet."

So the scientist cut off one of one of the frogs legs. The scientist told the frog to jump. Frog jumped three feet. So the scientist wrote in his note book, "Frog with three feet, jumps three feet."

So the scientist cut of another leg. He told the frog to jump. The frog jumped two feet. So the scientist wrote in his notebook "Frog with two feet, jumps two feet."

The scientist cut off one more leg. He told the frog to jump. Frog jumped one foot. So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with one foot, jumps one foot."

So the scientist cut off his last leg.

"He said, "Frog jump. Frog jump. FROG JUMP!"

So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with no feet, goes deaf."

Three-Legged Race

One day a traveling salesman was driving down a back country road at about 30 mph when he noticed that there was a three-legged chicken running alongside his car.

He stepped on the gas but at 50 miles per hour. The chicken was still keeping up. After about a mile of running the chicken ran up a farm lane and into a barn behind an old farm house.

The salesman had some time to kill so he turned around and drove up the farm lane. He knocked at the door and when the farmer answered he told him what he had just seen.

The farmer said that he was a geneticist and had developed this breed of chicken because he, his wife and his son each like a drumstick when they have chicken and this way they only have to kill one chicken.

"That''s the most fantastic thing I've ever heard," said the salesman. "How do they taste?"

"I don't know," said the farmer. "We've never caught one."

The Irishman's Wish

An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three wishes."

The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer that never is empty."

With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes.

The man says, "I want two more of these."

To laugh is to risk appearing fool.

To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.

To reach out for another is to risk involvement.

To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.

To place ideas and dreams before a crowd is to risk being called naïve.

To love is to risk not being loved in return.

To live is to risk dying.

To hope is to risk despair.

To try is to risk failure.

But risk must me taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing,

is nothing, does nothing and becomes nothing.

They may avoid sufferings and sorrow , but they can not

learn, feel, change, grow ,love, live.

Chained by their certitude ,they are slaves; they have forfeited their freedom.

Only a person who risks is truly free.